Please Quit Me

03Nov14

You never realize how intertwined your life becomes with someone until you go to separate it. Or how the minute connection can cause a whirlwind of emotions. It’s been 5 months since J has been out of my life, but he is still finding ways to creep back in. Whether it be a text out of the blue or liking a picture of FB, he makes his presence known.

I thought once we separated our things and had zero reason to have to interact it would stop. Nope, he continues to have his delusional mindset of woe is me, I’m the victim, everything is your fault.

I thought we turned the corner when he called to apologize for not being the man I needed and taking me for granted and taking advantage of the situation. Yet a couple days later, I get tagged in a post of his saying he thought he had friends but now is not deserving of being around and it’s all because I’m not with B.

I hate that it irritates me and I can’t just let it go. I hate that it begins to consume my thoughts and makes me feel like I haven’t moved on. I hate that he can’t just understand that things are different and he needs to be a man and move on. This was what I was afraid of when I got into another relationship. It’s not fair to him and it’s the only point of contention because he doesn’t go away.

I officially unfriended him on FB, which seems like a minor, dumb move but it makes me feel some relief that he can’t creep on my life anymore. I kept it in case he tried to pull anything regarding me but that was just keeping the link and the tie to him. It’s time to be done and focus on the really good things I have going on in my life.

He has been pulling some really desperate cries for help. While he is in a dark place, it is not for me to fix and he needs professional help. And I cannot continue to act in a way that brings his feelings into any consideration.

Let’s hope he finally gets the hint…


It’s been awhile since I wrote and a lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same.

J is still the same – no motivation, dragging his feet and making my life more frustrating. He has had 3 months to move his stuff out and he left it for the last 2 days and now all I get are excuses as to why he can’t do the things he has been promising for months. I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s what he does. It makes my heart hurt that he can still disappoint me so much. Though it didn’t get better in the 3.5 years we were together so why should it be any different now that we are broken up. But for someone who claimed to love me and still claims to be in love with me, I don’t understand. You don’t treat them like that. You don’t hurt the people you love. Once again, my therapist sets me straight. He’s so immature he is not capable of doing all the things I ask of him. Or really anything that is remotely adult. It’s not an excuse, but a rationale that is supposed to help me move past it. I wish I still had some sort of sympathy for him, I really do. But it’s the same MO every time and he doesn’t see why it’s a problem. He made online dating and doing the fun stuff a priority and just expected me to take care of the rest like I always do. He’s in for a rude awakening when he finds his stuff in the dumpster because he didn’t clear it out.

I am moving Saturday and I could not be more anxious to close this chapter of my life. It has done nothing but drag me down over the past few months and it’s time to be over. I’m excited for what is on the horizon. I will be temporarily living with my parents until I move into a house with some friends in October. It’s a fresh start, it’s a semi-clean break, it’s away from J and the mess.

I am a different person than I was in May. My outlook on life has changed. I didn’t realize how miserable I was in my relationship until I was out of it. My best friend in the world came up last weekend and it was a completely different vibe than it had been in the past. J was not a part of the life I could share with her and it was like something was lifted. I know – I should be able to share everything with her, but this was a point of contention in our relationship and it was best not to be brought up. Our friendship had changed and it was nice to have it back.

I have my dreams back. Cheesy I know. I have really been trying to focus on me and what I want. And you know what? It feels really good. It feels really good to not have to worry about anyone else but myself. To not have to fix anything. I can do whatever I feel like. I have really loved living by myself, that is the one part I am really going to miss.

I have been trying to balance the dating and single life. I jumped in so quickly with J that I am terrified of repeating the experience. And I feel like I need to be doing the single thing – whatever that means. I honestly have no idea what that means or what sort of timeline I should be on. I don’t really feel like I have been single because J has made things so messy and I cannot completely cut him out. At the same time, I think emotionally I cut out of the relationship a long time before it actually ended. Which I think has helped me get over everything. I need to work on trusting myself more.

The future has so much more promise and I cannot wait to see what’s in store.


New Ground

08Jul14

This hit home today, thank you Thought Catalog – What Single Feels Like

J moved out last week. The majority of his stuff is still in the house though, he doesn’t have a place to store it. He is getting a storage unit, but who knows when that will be. Like everything in this relationship, I pretty much need to just suck it up and deal. He is not proactive and drags his feet. There is no alternative for his stuff and I just have to maneuver my new life around it. Part of me is okay with it, part of me feels the old resentment. I pretty much do whatever will get me through the day. And I hope that’s enough.

It was strange being home knowing he was out doing whatever. And I had nowhere to go. I didn’t want anywhere to go. For the past month plus, I have been out of my house and all I wanted was to be able to go home. It’s not really home though, not with all the stuff there. I want to clean and purge, but I can’t. I have to be patient. I am tired of being patient. I want to flip over this new leaf, but by the time I get to it I am so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done I just ignore it.

I didn’t used to be this person. I used to be an absolutely go-getter and tackled everything no matter how exhausted I was. Now, even if I am bored lying on the couch, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to deal with everything I have to deal with. I don’t like this person. The excitement of doing new things is gone and I have fallen back into lazy ways. I lost my kickstart and I am struggling to get it back.

Every day is a new day, I know this. But I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind. Again.


The Aftermath

22Jun14

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.” – Neil Strauss

This break up stuff sucks. I experience every emotion within 5 minutes and I’m exhausted. I was doing so well and today is the first time I have actually felt alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been able to distract myself with other things and not focus on what’s going on.

A lot has happened. J and I are still living together, my frustration with him still living here is mounting. We both cannot move on because we still share space. I have just been out of the house, I don’t want to deal with it. It made it easier for me not to be here. He is looking for a place and it is taking forever, I don’t know how much longer I can deal. Tonight is the first time he will stay the night out of the house and only because I pretty much pushed him out. Now that he is gone, I feel alone and sad. I can appreciate how lonely he felt with me always leaving the house.

I am single. Everything I do is on my own. At first, it was exciting and invigorating. I felt alive and ambitious and I wanted to change everything in my world. I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to do everything with. I know I need to learn to be happy with myself, and I am, but I do want that again. All my friends are settling down and my world just blew up. I go from being okay to panicking that I will be alone forever. I am not a “let it slide off my back” person. Rejection stings more than it should and I overanalyze everything.

My therapist has been very helpful. She puts things in a perspective that I never saw and it is so nice having a third party listen to my side.

I went on a date, it felt really nice to go out again. I forget that guys like to play games, that part is hard to swallow.

It’s hard when I see J moving on too and it almost becomes like a competition. I know it’s stupid and it’s not a competition, but he is moving on so quickly and I feel like I need to do the same. He is the type that needs to be taken care of, so he will seek that out quickly. I have to remember that, this is his grieving process. Once he moves out, I will care less. It is so hard being in the shared space. I try really hard to be discreet about what I’m doing, he doesn’t seem to have the same courtesy. He doesn’t think about the things he does and they end up making me really angry and we fight. We shouldn’t, and I know I shouldn’t care about what he’s doing but when I am woken up at 4am because he is skyping in the living room with some girl it becomes my problem.

Ugh, I know this is all supposed to get easier but for now it really really really sucks.


It’s Over

28May14

No matter how hard you fight, some things are just not meant to be.

J and I have decided to end our relationship. It’s been a very long, hard 3.5 years and we are just going down two different paths. We have tried so hard to make it work, but we have been at each other’s throats for too long. The fights outweighed the laughs, the hard times just got harder and sometimes you have to admit defeat. We need a break.

I’m numb. I’m not entirely sure how to feel. We are keeping things quiet until after a party we are having on Saturday. We are living in shared space until he finds a place. I don’t know how to act around him. We want to be friends, he’s too important of a person in my life to lose. We share a fur baby, we have to see each other. Each day will get better, but right now my world feels like it has caved in around me.

I know this is for the best and what we both need, there is still so much love between the two of us. Why wasn’t it enough…


Next Steps

17May14

I had my first counseling session. It was enlightening, it was hard, and it was absolutely necessary. She started with “tell me about you and why you are here.” It all tumbled out in some form or another and she pieced together what she needed to. Everything she said I needed to hear, she took everything I was feeling and put them into words.

She told me I had lost myself and I needed to find who I was. I had become engulfed in all the situations of my life and I needed to find what would make me happy. She kept asking me, “what would make you happy,” and I didn’t know how to answer her. Everything that would make me happy was out of my control. I needed to find something I could control that would make me happy. I needed to find my voice and stop shutting down and learn that it’s okay to give my opinion and have a view.

In light of that, I’ve been thinking of a few things that would make me happy. I’ve been thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter or rescue for a long time. Everyone has told me not to do it because I would bring home all the animals. But this isn’t their choice and I think it would give me more of a purpose, so I’m going to do it.

I also want to run a 5K. I hate running and I used to avoid it like the plague. I want to learn to like it. I want to get to a point where I don’t feel like I’m dying after 3 steps. I think it would make me feel better physically and mentally. Im going to do the Couch to 5K program. The key is actually starting. J doesn’t want to do it, so it’ll be me doing it alone. Finding the motivation by myself is so much harder. I have a few friends who said they will run the 5K with me, so that will keep me motivated. The goal would be for sometime next year I think. Give me plenty of time to train.

I need to get my eating back under control too. After the wedding last week I have been really relaxed with what I eat and I do not feel good about it. My body is less than pleased with me.

So that’s that. I go back in two weeks. I guess I have to tell work I that that’s what I am doing, there’s no way I can keep cutting out of work early without angering them.

Can I saw thank goodness it’s the weekend?!


Off the Rails

06May14

It’s no secret that life isn’t easy. Life can downright suck sometimes. For me, it’s been a lot of the time. I can completely pinpoint the moment my world started caving in. February 2011 – the day my father lost his job.

Up until then, I was carefree, loving life, thinking I could take over the world. I had started my first “big girl” job, moved into my own place (with housemates) and started a serious relationship (which was huge for this commitment phobe). I had been in a flux since graduation and things were finally headed in the right direction.

And then I got that phone call. And my entire world turned upside down.

My father had worked at the same place for 25+ years, starting at the bottom and working his way up. Through new management, he was edged out, and one day told he either needed to resign or be terminated. Just like that. There was nothing he could do, nothing anyone could say. It was complete boo-hockey in my opinion and completely crushed my dad. We sued for unlawful termination based on discrimination, but it didn’t really do anything. I watched as my father fell farther and farther into this black hole and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I helped my parents any way I could – signed dad up for unemployment, created dad a resume and applied to as many jobs as I could think of. No takers. Each rejection was like another dagger into my dad and he turned to drinking. I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone. My dad was my pillar and he was slowly crumbling and I had no idea how to help him.

Everything I knew about my boring, perfect life was gone.

After that, we were hit with one thing after the other. We lost our beloved family dog, which made dad fall deeper in his black hole. My mom’s health kept declining from all the stress. My sister had a nervous breakdown and finally confided in me that she was suffering from severe depression with thoughts of physical harm. All of it fell on my shoulders. Everyone came to me looking for a solution. I somehow had to navigate the waters for everyone, and it took everything in me to stay afloat.

It’s been three years, and I feel we are still picking up the pieces. My dad found a new career choice, but is having difficulty finding employment. Thankfully, the drinking has stopped. We sought help for my sister and she is thriving – studied abroad, is graduating college in May and is ready to take over the world. My mom is working way too hard, and she needs to slow down. My dad is more determined than ever to find full-time employment so mom doesn’t have to keep going like she does. My parents do their best to make everything seem like it’s the same, but nothing is the same. That one incident shook my family to the core. I constantly worry they are going to lose the house or something goes wrong with their health. I hate that I can’t do more for them, I hate that I can’t make their mortgage go away or provide more assistance. I am just not at a place where I can. To be completely honest, there is barely enough money in my own home right now.

J and I have been going through some rough stuff, and some days I’m ready to throw in the towel. Him going to school has been a huge stressor in our relationship. I am proud of him for doing what he loves, but it leaves me carrying a lot of the burden at home. And I have become resentful in certain aspects. I don’t want to be the only responsible one anymore. I don’t want to be the one to constantly stress about the bills or the groceries or if the house is clean. He’s going to school, but I am working just as hard and there are times I don’t feel like I have a partner in any of this. I know I need to just hold out until the end of the semester, but I’ve been holding out for three years. It never feels like it’s going to end.

Outside of my family, I struggle with being “that person” for everyone else in my life. My friends, my boyfriend – I am the person they turn to to fix things. I am the one that will make everything better. Please don’t get me wrong, I love being that person and helping anyone I can. But my load has gotten very heavy and continues to get heavier. There isn’t an “off” button for me. I feel like I’m constantly going from one issue to another. If I am not dealing with an issue, I’m stressing about another one.

And without fail, just when I think things are going well, the other shoe will drop and I am sent into a tailspin. I barely dig myself out of one problem before I’m buried in another one. I can’t prepare for the future because I’m too busy putting out the daily fires.

It’s gotten to the point that I can’t cope anymore. I am moody all the time, my attitude changes at the drop of a hat, I’m not sleeping, I can’t concentrate… I’m going through the motions and I’m drowning. My life is off its rails and I need help to get it back on track.

So, I made a call. My company has some amazing tools for employees – one of which is an Employee Assistance Program. It is a third party organization that helps you when you need it, all anonymously. Through this, they have set me up with a counselor of my choosing. I am in the process of setting up my first session. I have never done anything like this before and it scares me. Part of me still feels the negative stigma associated with “seeing a professional.” Part of me feels like I should be able to handle my problems myself. I keep having to remind myself that it is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes, it takes more strength to ask for help than it does to keep pushing through.

I’m ready for that helping hand.




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