Unbelievable

11Aug14

I don’t know why I continue to think J is going to change. He isn’t even my problem anymore. Yet somehow he is the ONLY annoyance in my life currently. All the stupid shit he used to pull when we were together is just exasperated now. And I don’t have the tolerance for it anymore. You would think after screwing up so many times you would try harder, yet he continues to prove me wrong. I don’t understand how you can constantly mess up everything you touch. Get your head out of your own ass for a second to realize the impact you have on other people.

Since we broke up, I still feel like I have to wait around on Js time schedule before I can move on. From him moving out to getting him off my parents phone plan to him paying me back all the money he owes me. He says one thing and it never happens. I am constantly waiting around to move forward while he is doing whatever the hell he wants without a care. I just want this to be over. I am tired of waiting for him to get his shit done so I can close this freaking chapter.

I could just do things myself or just let it go, but then I lose. Again. He gets away with being the screw up while I bust my ass to get screwed over again. I’m not doing it. If I have to continue to yell and nag to get what I am entitled to I will. I refuse to step down this time just because it’s easier. I have a say too.

I just don’t understand the lack of consideration. And then the confusion as to why things aren’t working. Guess what buddy, you are the reason. You are the WHOLE reason.


New Ground

08Jul14

This hit home today, thank you Thought Catalog – What Single Feels Like

J moved out last week. The majority of his stuff is still in the house though, he doesn’t have a place to store it. He is getting a storage unit, but who knows when that will be. Like everything in this relationship, I pretty much need to just suck it up and deal. He is not proactive and drags his feet. There is no alternative for his stuff and I just have to maneuver my new life around it. Part of me is okay with it, part of me feels the old resentment. I pretty much do whatever will get me through the day. And I hope that’s enough.

It was strange being home knowing he was out doing whatever. And I had nowhere to go. I didn’t want anywhere to go. For the past month plus, I have been out of my house and all I wanted was to be able to go home. It’s not really home though, not with all the stuff there. I want to clean and purge, but I can’t. I have to be patient. I am tired of being patient. I want to flip over this new leaf, but by the time I get to it I am so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done I just ignore it.

I didn’t used to be this person. I used to be an absolutely go-getter and tackled everything no matter how exhausted I was. Now, even if I am bored lying on the couch, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to deal with everything I have to deal with. I don’t like this person. The excitement of doing new things is gone and I have fallen back into lazy ways. I lost my kickstart and I am struggling to get it back.

Every day is a new day, I know this. But I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind. Again.


The Aftermath

22Jun14

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.” – Neil Strauss

This break up stuff sucks. I experience every emotion within 5 minutes and I’m exhausted. I was doing so well and today is the first time I have actually felt alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been able to distract myself with other things and not focus on what’s going on.

A lot has happened. J and I are still living together, my frustration with him still living here is mounting. We both cannot move on because we still share space. I have just been out of the house, I don’t want to deal with it. It made it easier for me not to be here. He is looking for a place and it is taking forever, I don’t know how much longer I can deal. Tonight is the first time he will stay the night out of the house and only because I pretty much pushed him out. Now that he is gone, I feel alone and sad. I can appreciate how lonely he felt with me always leaving the house.

I am single. Everything I do is on my own. At first, it was exciting and invigorating. I felt alive and ambitious and I wanted to change everything in my world. I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to do everything with. I know I need to learn to be happy with myself, and I am, but I do want that again. All my friends are settling down and my world just blew up. I go from being okay to panicking that I will be alone forever. I am not a “let it slide off my back” person. Rejection stings more than it should and I overanalyze everything.

My therapist has been very helpful. She puts things in a perspective that I never saw and it is so nice having a third party listen to my side.

I went on a date, it felt really nice to go out again. I forget that guys like to play games, that part is hard to swallow.

It’s hard when I see J moving on too and it almost becomes like a competition. I know it’s stupid and it’s not a competition, but he is moving on so quickly and I feel like I need to do the same. He is the type that needs to be taken care of, so he will seek that out quickly. I have to remember that, this is his grieving process. Once he moves out, I will care less. It is so hard being in the shared space. I try really hard to be discreet about what I’m doing, he doesn’t seem to have the same courtesy. He doesn’t think about the things he does and they end up making me really angry and we fight. We shouldn’t, and I know I shouldn’t care about what he’s doing but when I am woken up at 4am because he is skyping in the living room with some girl it becomes my problem.

Ugh, I know this is all supposed to get easier but for now it really really really sucks.


It’s Over

28May14

No matter how hard you fight, some things are just not meant to be.

J and I have decided to end our relationship. It’s been a very long, hard 3.5 years and we are just going down two different paths. We have tried so hard to make it work, but we have been at each other’s throats for too long. The fights outweighed the laughs, the hard times just got harder and sometimes you have to admit defeat. We need a break.

I’m numb. I’m not entirely sure how to feel. We are keeping things quiet until after a party we are having on Saturday. We are living in shared space until he finds a place. I don’t know how to act around him. We want to be friends, he’s too important of a person in my life to lose. We share a fur baby, we have to see each other. Each day will get better, but right now my world feels like it has caved in around me.

I know this is for the best and what we both need, there is still so much love between the two of us. Why wasn’t it enough…


Next Steps

17May14

I had my first counseling session. It was enlightening, it was hard, and it was absolutely necessary. She started with “tell me about you and why you are here.” It all tumbled out in some form or another and she pieced together what she needed to. Everything she said I needed to hear, she took everything I was feeling and put them into words.

She told me I had lost myself and I needed to find who I was. I had become engulfed in all the situations of my life and I needed to find what would make me happy. She kept asking me, “what would make you happy,” and I didn’t know how to answer her. Everything that would make me happy was out of my control. I needed to find something I could control that would make me happy. I needed to find my voice and stop shutting down and learn that it’s okay to give my opinion and have a view.

In light of that, I’ve been thinking of a few things that would make me happy. I’ve been thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter or rescue for a long time. Everyone has told me not to do it because I would bring home all the animals. But this isn’t their choice and I think it would give me more of a purpose, so I’m going to do it.

I also want to run a 5K. I hate running and I used to avoid it like the plague. I want to learn to like it. I want to get to a point where I don’t feel like I’m dying after 3 steps. I think it would make me feel better physically and mentally. Im going to do the Couch to 5K program. The key is actually starting. J doesn’t want to do it, so it’ll be me doing it alone. Finding the motivation by myself is so much harder. I have a few friends who said they will run the 5K with me, so that will keep me motivated. The goal would be for sometime next year I think. Give me plenty of time to train.

I need to get my eating back under control too. After the wedding last week I have been really relaxed with what I eat and I do not feel good about it. My body is less than pleased with me.

So that’s that. I go back in two weeks. I guess I have to tell work I that that’s what I am doing, there’s no way I can keep cutting out of work early without angering them.

Can I saw thank goodness it’s the weekend?!


Off the Rails

06May14

It’s no secret that life isn’t easy. Life can downright suck sometimes. For me, it’s been a lot of the time. I can completely pinpoint the moment my world started caving in. February 2011 – the day my father lost his job.

Up until then, I was carefree, loving life, thinking I could take over the world. I had started my first “big girl” job, moved into my own place (with housemates) and started a serious relationship (which was huge for this commitment phobe). I had been in a flux since graduation and things were finally headed in the right direction.

And then I got that phone call. And my entire world turned upside down.

My father had worked at the same place for 25+ years, starting at the bottom and working his way up. Through new management, he was edged out, and one day told he either needed to resign or be terminated. Just like that. There was nothing he could do, nothing anyone could say. It was complete boo-hockey in my opinion and completely crushed my dad. We sued for unlawful termination based on discrimination, but it didn’t really do anything. I watched as my father fell farther and farther into this black hole and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I helped my parents any way I could – signed dad up for unemployment, created dad a resume and applied to as many jobs as I could think of. No takers. Each rejection was like another dagger into my dad and he turned to drinking. I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone. My dad was my pillar and he was slowly crumbling and I had no idea how to help him.

Everything I knew about my boring, perfect life was gone.

After that, we were hit with one thing after the other. We lost our beloved family dog, which made dad fall deeper in his black hole. My mom’s health kept declining from all the stress. My sister had a nervous breakdown and finally confided in me that she was suffering from severe depression with thoughts of physical harm. All of it fell on my shoulders. Everyone came to me looking for a solution. I somehow had to navigate the waters for everyone, and it took everything in me to stay afloat.

It’s been three years, and I feel we are still picking up the pieces. My dad found a new career choice, but is having difficulty finding employment. Thankfully, the drinking has stopped. We sought help for my sister and she is thriving – studied abroad, is graduating college in May and is ready to take over the world. My mom is working way too hard, and she needs to slow down. My dad is more determined than ever to find full-time employment so mom doesn’t have to keep going like she does. My parents do their best to make everything seem like it’s the same, but nothing is the same. That one incident shook my family to the core. I constantly worry they are going to lose the house or something goes wrong with their health. I hate that I can’t do more for them, I hate that I can’t make their mortgage go away or provide more assistance. I am just not at a place where I can. To be completely honest, there is barely enough money in my own home right now.

J and I have been going through some rough stuff, and some days I’m ready to throw in the towel. Him going to school has been a huge stressor in our relationship. I am proud of him for doing what he loves, but it leaves me carrying a lot of the burden at home. And I have become resentful in certain aspects. I don’t want to be the only responsible one anymore. I don’t want to be the one to constantly stress about the bills or the groceries or if the house is clean. He’s going to school, but I am working just as hard and there are times I don’t feel like I have a partner in any of this. I know I need to just hold out until the end of the semester, but I’ve been holding out for three years. It never feels like it’s going to end.

Outside of my family, I struggle with being “that person” for everyone else in my life. My friends, my boyfriend – I am the person they turn to to fix things. I am the one that will make everything better. Please don’t get me wrong, I love being that person and helping anyone I can. But my load has gotten very heavy and continues to get heavier. There isn’t an “off” button for me. I feel like I’m constantly going from one issue to another. If I am not dealing with an issue, I’m stressing about another one.

And without fail, just when I think things are going well, the other shoe will drop and I am sent into a tailspin. I barely dig myself out of one problem before I’m buried in another one. I can’t prepare for the future because I’m too busy putting out the daily fires.

It’s gotten to the point that I can’t cope anymore. I am moody all the time, my attitude changes at the drop of a hat, I’m not sleeping, I can’t concentrate… I’m going through the motions and I’m drowning. My life is off its rails and I need help to get it back on track.

So, I made a call. My company has some amazing tools for employees – one of which is an Employee Assistance Program. It is a third party organization that helps you when you need it, all anonymously. Through this, they have set me up with a counselor of my choosing. I am in the process of setting up my first session. I have never done anything like this before and it scares me. Part of me still feels the negative stigma associated with “seeing a professional.” Part of me feels like I should be able to handle my problems myself. I keep having to remind myself that it is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes, it takes more strength to ask for help than it does to keep pushing through.

I’m ready for that helping hand.


Week 12

02May14

It took three weeks, but I am back to losing instead of gaining.  This shit is no joke. It takes every ounce of me to make better decisions. I actually have to be selfish for myself, which is a foreign concept to me. I am so used to putting all my time and energy into everyone around me, it is hard for me to re-direct that into something else. My hardest struggle has been with “freebies” in the office. It is still hard for me to accept that I don’t need to take the donut/cookie/extra drink just because it’s there. But, we are getting there. And if I want it, I just adjust my menu for the day. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing world and that one cookie will not destroy my entire day.

J is so close to getting his EMT-B certification. He has two more weeks of class and then his state test is May 19 with the national boards on May 21. Please keep everything crossed for him. He has done so well this semester and pushed himself and I could not be any prouder of him.

On the graduation note, my little, baby sister is graduating COLLEGE in a few short weeks. She is going to be entering the real world and part of me really can’t handle that. She will always be my little sister who I need to protect and the real world is harsh and mean. I love her view on life and I hope she keeps it for as long as possible. Her only goal after graduation is to leave this country. I am so proud of her adventurous spirit and the things she is going to accomplish. She is going to take over the world.

Charlottesville is becoming one of my favorite places to visit. Granted, I have been there twice in two weeks, but I fall in love with it more with each visit. You have everything there – great views of the mountains, cute shopping and downtown, and not to mention a lot of wineries. My favorite so far is Pippin Hill, mainly for their views. I could completely get married there.

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A dear friend of mine got married this past weekend. It was such a beautiful ceremony, venue, everything. It was absolutely them and absolutely perfect.

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And no post is complete without the fur babies. They are ridiculously cute.

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TGIF!

 




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