My roommates and I officially started Whole30. The idea of Whole30 is to give your body a nutritional reset. For 30 days you avoid grains, sugar, alcohol, dairy, soy, and legumes. Essentially, you eat meat and veggies with some fruit and good fat. A friend of mine introduced it to me after she did it and loved it.

I highly recommend reading It Starts with Food. It goes into how certain foods affect your body and why you are to eliminate them during the 30 days. It puts everything into much better perspective. It is most definitely a lifestyle change. After the month, you re-introduce the same categories and see how your body reacts. Ideally, you will relearn your hunger cues and better understand your body and the fuel it needs. There is no calorie counting, you eat until full. You also are not allowed to weigh or measure yourself except for the first day and last day.

My roommate and I planned out the weekly menu and went grocery shopping yesterday. It took us over an hour to plan the menu and about 2.5 hours to shop. We were really exhausted afterwards. Finding compliant foods was difficult. Everything has some form of sugar or soy in it. And it was overwhelming to have to essentially restock our house. But it’ll get simpler since now we have a bunch of the staples we need.

We are going heavy on the cooking this week as it’s the first and we can see where things fall. I’m sure once we become more comfortable with everything we will not be going as crazy. We found some really great recipes and thank goodness for Pinterest.

I’m expecting to not be a very happy person the first week as my body essentially detoxes from the sugar and carbs and whatnot. It will be really hard not to eat rice or chips and I’m sure the cravings will be tough for awhile. But I’m really excited to do this, my body needs it.

Menu – Day 1
Breakfast: Bacon, Arugula and Tomato Quiche

I don’t like eggs. The taste, the texture… Just no. A big breakfast protein is eggs, so I’m trying to make it work. This quiche worked. We added more veggies to make it less eggy and the crust is made from sweet potatoes. I couldn’t tell there were really eggs in it. The flavors were delicious and I was surprisingly pleased with the crust. Next time I would cover the top so the bottom could get as crispy as the edges.

Bacon falls into one of those “impossible to find” foods. The only place that had compliant bacon was Whole Foods. There’s a reason they tell you to limit your processed meats. But it was delicious.

Recipe from The Freckled Foodie.

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Lunch: Beef and Cauli-Rice Stuffed Zucchini

These are a must-have! You couldn’t even tell there wasn’t any rice in it, the cauliflower mixed well with the beef. The mustard in the recipe added some really nice flavor to it. We threw in some tomatoes just for fun. One zucchini (two stuffed halves) were plenty for me for lunch.

Recipe from Holistically Engineered.

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Dinner: Butternut Squash Lasagna

This lasagna concept was much better in theory than actuality. The flavors of it were good and we will definitely be using the sauce from it. I think they would be better over zoodles though, the texture wasn’t quite what I was expecting.

Disclaimer: we did forget to add the egg to it, so that could have been the difference. Don’t be like us.

Recipe from Stupid Easy Paleo./home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b3a/31217691/files/2015/01/img_4100.jpg

We had a lot of beef today. In fact, the menu this week is much heavier in red meat. We didn’t intend it, but those recipes looked good. We spent all day cooking and planning today. It was exhausting. We got cranky. We wanted to snack. We wanted chocolate. We may have snacked on veggies and fruits as we went along. I had difficulty telling the difference when I was hungry and when I wanted to snack. I love to snack. This week is going to be rough in terms of that, but I know they will subside.

One day down… 29 to go.


Can anyone believe we are two days from Christmas and nine from 2015?! This year has flown and I’m finally coming to the surface and catching my breath after the whirlwind. My entire life turned upside down and flipped itself back around. I can honestly say I am happier than I have ever been. I have a new appreciation for life, love, people, and what you really need to be happy. Is everything where I would like it to be? Of course not. But I am damn more appreciative for everything I do have.

Weddings and Friendships – Many good friends found their other half and officially tied the knot this year. I was so honored to be a part of so many of them. I reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in years and it was like no time had passed and we picked up right where we left off. Friendships were also tested this year and it has been an uphill battle to reclaim what was lost. There is a new understanding that everyone is going different ways but you can always come back to those closest to you.

Closing Chapters – I closed a very large chapter in my life this year. I walked away from a three year relationship that I had fought so hard to maintain. It took me a long time to realize I was fighting a losing battle and I could not succeed on my own. We needed to support each other and that didn’t happen. We were not right for each other and I had to finally admit that to myself. There were many revelations through this process – how many feelings I hid and just accepted for what they were; for finally removing the wool from my eyes and realizing nothing was going to change; learning who I was and knowing I didn’t have to settle for anything less than I deserve. I don’t have to just “take it” anymore, I can speak up and be direct about my feelings and what I want. I don’t have to hide behind anything or play into games, no one has time for that. I realized how long I had disconnected myself from this relationship and how long I had been lying to myself. But it was a transformation I needed to go through, I had to be ready to walk away. I have been able to talk honestly and openly with many friends affected by my choices and work on repairing them. It’s been a very enlightening process.

Starting New Ones – Figuring out who I was helped me to find who I was really looking for. An amazing man walked into my life when I least expected it and showed me what I deserved. I am so thankful every day that our paths crossed. When people say “things just clicked,” I never knew what they meant. Now I do. Things clicked, things are easy, we fit each other so well. We are able to work through our differences without compromising our relationship or ourselves. We support each other and I am so grateful for him. It’s been like night and day from what I walked away from. I know relationships are work, but it shouldn’t be as much work as what I was going through. And now I know why – when you find the person you just click with, the rest falls into place.

Taking Different Risks – I no longer feel like I just want to sit around and get by. I want to live, I want to take adventures, I want to be the best me I can possibly be. There is a new fire in me and I don’t ever want to let it go out again. I was too busy surviving for two that I forgot what else was out there. I am making a promise to myself to not let that happen again.

New in 2015 – Along those lines, I am setting some new goals for the new year. I am going to train for a half-marathon (YIKES) in September/October. A friend of mine and I have been talking about it for a long time. I want to prove I can actually do it. I tried Couch25K, but then my life fell apart and I stopped and had no real goal or motivation to pick it back up again. So, now’s the time where I need to learn to run more than 1 mile. It’s going to suck, and I’m not a runner but I want to learn to love running.

I also need to get back into shape. I let myself go way too much and I need to kick it back into gear. My roommates, bf and I are doing Whole30 in January. If you haven’t heard of it, I highly recommend you check it out. It’s a nutritional reset for your body where you cut out anything processed for 30 days. This includes grains, legumes, sugar, alcohol etc. I’m terrified but excited all at the same time. My body needs it, I’m tired of feeling blah and bloated all day every day and I’d like my clothes to fit comfortably again as opposed to me feeling stupid in everything. I am starting with this to hopefully get my body better in shape and more motivated to train.

I had way too many plans this year, to the point of not one breathing moment to do anything else but already scheduled plans. I want to be more mindful of my schedule and doing things for me, like volunteering at the animal shelter. It has been on my list of things to do for awhile but I could never find the time.

I have been incredibly lucky this year. INCREDIBLY lucky. I have an incredible support system who got me through some of the hardest times of my year. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I have made new friends and made lasting relationships stronger. It has been a turning year and I cannot wait for what the future has in store.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!


Please Quit Me

03Nov14

You never realize how intertwined your life becomes with someone until you go to separate it. Or how the minute connection can cause a whirlwind of emotions. It’s been 5 months since J has been out of my life, but he is still finding ways to creep back in. Whether it be a text out of the blue or liking a picture of FB, he makes his presence known.

I thought once we separated our things and had zero reason to have to interact it would stop. Nope, he continues to have his delusional mindset of woe is me, I’m the victim, everything is your fault.

I thought we turned the corner when he called to apologize for not being the man I needed and taking me for granted and taking advantage of the situation. Yet a couple days later, I get tagged in a post of his saying he thought he had friends but now is not deserving of being around and it’s all because I’m not with B.

I hate that it irritates me and I can’t just let it go. I hate that it begins to consume my thoughts and makes me feel like I haven’t moved on. I hate that he can’t just understand that things are different and he needs to be a man and move on. This was what I was afraid of when I got into another relationship. It’s not fair to him and it’s the only point of contention because he doesn’t go away.

I officially unfriended him on FB, which seems like a minor, dumb move but it makes me feel some relief that he can’t creep on my life anymore. I kept it in case he tried to pull anything regarding me but that was just keeping the link and the tie to him. It’s time to be done and focus on the really good things I have going on in my life.

He has been pulling some really desperate cries for help. While he is in a dark place, it is not for me to fix and he needs professional help. And I cannot continue to act in a way that brings his feelings into any consideration.

Let’s hope he finally gets the hint…


It’s been awhile since I wrote and a lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same.

J is still the same – no motivation, dragging his feet and making my life more frustrating. He has had 3 months to move his stuff out and he left it for the last 2 days and now all I get are excuses as to why he can’t do the things he has been promising for months. I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s what he does. It makes my heart hurt that he can still disappoint me so much. Though it didn’t get better in the 3.5 years we were together so why should it be any different now that we are broken up. But for someone who claimed to love me and still claims to be in love with me, I don’t understand. You don’t treat them like that. You don’t hurt the people you love. Once again, my therapist sets me straight. He’s so immature he is not capable of doing all the things I ask of him. Or really anything that is remotely adult. It’s not an excuse, but a rationale that is supposed to help me move past it. I wish I still had some sort of sympathy for him, I really do. But it’s the same MO every time and he doesn’t see why it’s a problem. He made online dating and doing the fun stuff a priority and just expected me to take care of the rest like I always do. He’s in for a rude awakening when he finds his stuff in the dumpster because he didn’t clear it out.

I am moving Saturday and I could not be more anxious to close this chapter of my life. It has done nothing but drag me down over the past few months and it’s time to be over. I’m excited for what is on the horizon. I will be temporarily living with my parents until I move into a house with some friends in October. It’s a fresh start, it’s a semi-clean break, it’s away from J and the mess.

I am a different person than I was in May. My outlook on life has changed. I didn’t realize how miserable I was in my relationship until I was out of it. My best friend in the world came up last weekend and it was a completely different vibe than it had been in the past. J was not a part of the life I could share with her and it was like something was lifted. I know – I should be able to share everything with her, but this was a point of contention in our relationship and it was best not to be brought up. Our friendship had changed and it was nice to have it back.

I have my dreams back. Cheesy I know. I have really been trying to focus on me and what I want. And you know what? It feels really good. It feels really good to not have to worry about anyone else but myself. To not have to fix anything. I can do whatever I feel like. I have really loved living by myself, that is the one part I am really going to miss.

I have been trying to balance the dating and single life. I jumped in so quickly with J that I am terrified of repeating the experience. And I feel like I need to be doing the single thing – whatever that means. I honestly have no idea what that means or what sort of timeline I should be on. I don’t really feel like I have been single because J has made things so messy and I cannot completely cut him out. At the same time, I think emotionally I cut out of the relationship a long time before it actually ended. Which I think has helped me get over everything. I need to work on trusting myself more.

The future has so much more promise and I cannot wait to see what’s in store.


New Ground

08Jul14

This hit home today, thank you Thought Catalog – What Single Feels Like

J moved out last week. The majority of his stuff is still in the house though, he doesn’t have a place to store it. He is getting a storage unit, but who knows when that will be. Like everything in this relationship, I pretty much need to just suck it up and deal. He is not proactive and drags his feet. There is no alternative for his stuff and I just have to maneuver my new life around it. Part of me is okay with it, part of me feels the old resentment. I pretty much do whatever will get me through the day. And I hope that’s enough.

It was strange being home knowing he was out doing whatever. And I had nowhere to go. I didn’t want anywhere to go. For the past month plus, I have been out of my house and all I wanted was to be able to go home. It’s not really home though, not with all the stuff there. I want to clean and purge, but I can’t. I have to be patient. I am tired of being patient. I want to flip over this new leaf, but by the time I get to it I am so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done I just ignore it.

I didn’t used to be this person. I used to be an absolutely go-getter and tackled everything no matter how exhausted I was. Now, even if I am bored lying on the couch, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to deal with everything I have to deal with. I don’t like this person. The excitement of doing new things is gone and I have fallen back into lazy ways. I lost my kickstart and I am struggling to get it back.

Every day is a new day, I know this. But I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind. Again.


The Aftermath

22Jun14

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.” – Neil Strauss

This break up stuff sucks. I experience every emotion within 5 minutes and I’m exhausted. I was doing so well and today is the first time I have actually felt alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been able to distract myself with other things and not focus on what’s going on.

A lot has happened. J and I are still living together, my frustration with him still living here is mounting. We both cannot move on because we still share space. I have just been out of the house, I don’t want to deal with it. It made it easier for me not to be here. He is looking for a place and it is taking forever, I don’t know how much longer I can deal. Tonight is the first time he will stay the night out of the house and only because I pretty much pushed him out. Now that he is gone, I feel alone and sad. I can appreciate how lonely he felt with me always leaving the house.

I am single. Everything I do is on my own. At first, it was exciting and invigorating. I felt alive and ambitious and I wanted to change everything in my world. I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to do everything with. I know I need to learn to be happy with myself, and I am, but I do want that again. All my friends are settling down and my world just blew up. I go from being okay to panicking that I will be alone forever. I am not a “let it slide off my back” person. Rejection stings more than it should and I overanalyze everything.

My therapist has been very helpful. She puts things in a perspective that I never saw and it is so nice having a third party listen to my side.

I went on a date, it felt really nice to go out again. I forget that guys like to play games, that part is hard to swallow.

It’s hard when I see J moving on too and it almost becomes like a competition. I know it’s stupid and it’s not a competition, but he is moving on so quickly and I feel like I need to do the same. He is the type that needs to be taken care of, so he will seek that out quickly. I have to remember that, this is his grieving process. Once he moves out, I will care less. It is so hard being in the shared space. I try really hard to be discreet about what I’m doing, he doesn’t seem to have the same courtesy. He doesn’t think about the things he does and they end up making me really angry and we fight. We shouldn’t, and I know I shouldn’t care about what he’s doing but when I am woken up at 4am because he is skyping in the living room with some girl it becomes my problem.

Ugh, I know this is all supposed to get easier but for now it really really really sucks.


It’s Over

28May14

No matter how hard you fight, some things are just not meant to be.

J and I have decided to end our relationship. It’s been a very long, hard 3.5 years and we are just going down two different paths. We have tried so hard to make it work, but we have been at each other’s throats for too long. The fights outweighed the laughs, the hard times just got harder and sometimes you have to admit defeat. We need a break.

I’m numb. I’m not entirely sure how to feel. We are keeping things quiet until after a party we are having on Saturday. We are living in shared space until he finds a place. I don’t know how to act around him. We want to be friends, he’s too important of a person in my life to lose. We share a fur baby, we have to see each other. Each day will get better, but right now my world feels like it has caved in around me.

I know this is for the best and what we both need, there is still so much love between the two of us. Why wasn’t it enough…




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