Fresh Start

07May12

I need a fresh start – to go somewhere where no one knows me or has any sort of preconceptions of how my life should be and what I should be doing with it. Never in my life have I had so little support from my friends and family and I’m not really sure what to do about it. I am angry, hurt and confused. Angry because I am fully capable of making decisions for my life, hurt because they are not being understood and confused as to where to go from here.

I like to make people happy, do what I’m told and what is expected of me. I don’t rock the boat and stay within my lane. For once, I rocked the boat. And yes, it is a weird situation and very different from what I even expected, but why can’t that be okay too? At what point can I do something that makes ME happy? If I was hurting myself in some way, I’d understand. But I’m not – I still have everything I have striven for and have a direction of where my life is going. I haven’t veered off course somewhere to the point of no return. I am not in any danger or being detrimental to my life. I’m so tired of hearing people say “Well I just expected A, B, and C to happen and that’s not the case” or “because you are A, B, and C, it doesn’t make sense that you are doing X, Y, and Z.” WHO CARES?! People change. Life changes. We get so caught up in pegging people in a box we close off our minds to other possibilities in the world. We get so stuck on how we “think” it should be, we can’t see what is in front of us. My favorite is “you are just too good for this and can do better.” I know I could do better, EVERYONE can do better. You really think that person or that situation is the best you will ever get or could ever have? Just because I have made this choice doesn’t mean I’m settling. I still have goals and dreams the I fully intend to achieve. How can something that makes me happy be settling? How can something that makes me want to do better and go farther be settling?

I hate that I let people get inside my head. Planting that nugget of “maybe they are right.” And, honestly, I have been taking a lot of that to heart and really considering that if people are telling me something, there has to be some truth to it. Nothing they say is new information to me. I am fully aware of the situation and I have put my faith into it working out in the end. I also know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t. Everything they tell me I have already considered and thought through. People act like I jumped blindly without any thought and it’s really starting to wear me down. Anyone who knows me knows I’m cautious. I over-think and over-analyze everything to the point of exhaustion. I don’t make moves without fully contemplating the repercussions. So why now, can they not trust me to make the right choice for my life? Just because things have been done a certain way doesn’t make them the only way to be. You think I haven’t already considered that possibility? I have pro/conned it to death thank you. I don’t need you to assess my choices. If the time comes that I need to re-assess, I will. But for now, there is nothing to re-assess. People tell me it’s because they are “concerned.” Concerned about what?! Whatever you think you’re being concerned about I have already considered and have an alternative plan. It’s not concern, it’s judgement. And I’m tired of my life being judged by everyone else. I am not living MY life to make YOU happy.

I don’t feel like I should be fighting this hard to justify my actions and decisions, especially when there is no reason for it. And I don’t feel the need to explain it to people who don’t actually want to take the time to understand. I was told recently, “how do you expect friends to trust your decisions, if you don’t trust them to talk about what’s going on?” This is valid, but how do I talk to those about what’s going on in my life if it has been made clear that they aren’t interested? Whatever I say is going to be used as ammunition somewhere. They want to hear what they want to hear, and frankly I don’t have time for the bullshit. If they aren’t open to listen, what good is it for me to keep trying? People see me in a certain way and cannot accept my choices because they are different than what they expected. I get that, when it is unknown you proceed with caution. But I can’t make you understand if you’re not willing to give it the chance. I feel like so many people are waiting for me to fail.

I’m tired. Tired of people thinking they know better for me than I do. Tired of feeling like the water cooler gossip. Tired of people not being upfront and honest with me. If you are concerned, talk to me. But then trust me to do what’s best for me. You said your peace, and it’s done. I don’t need to see or sense your disdain every time the subject is brought up. I came into a situation with my friends that really struck a chord. I was noticing side eyes and whispers when they thought I wasn’t paying attention – when you stop whispering when I look at you, just to start again when I look away, it’s childish. Really?! If you have the audacity to do that in front of me, then I would hope you have the balls to say something to me. And then to be told that they “gave up on understanding a long time ago” makes me second guess the friendship. And you expect me to still confide in you? Yet, I am still expected to support every decision you make and I really need to be a better friend to you…. Someone please explain the logic of this to me, because I don’t get it.

Aren’t we taught to take chances? That if there is something worth fighting for, you should go for it? I know there have been a lot more obstacles than I expected, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Nothing worth having comes easy. We are taught to accept others, you never know what other people may be going through. Not one of these people who have claimed to be “concerned” have tried to really understand what’s going on. It is all based on assumption – clearly it seems this way so that must be happening. It’s not. Because things don’t happen as quickly as they think it should, it’s not worth my time. They can’t stop and recognize the small victories. Maybe it was how I grew up, but I would never look down on someone for going through a rough patch, especially when they are trying to do better for themselves. I see no difference in someone making minimum wage and someone making six figures if it’s an honest living and they are genuine people. What gives us the right to judge someone for that? How can we think we are too good or better than someone over something so petty and trivial? It’s not easy trying to change your life after having it go the same way for so long. There are ups and downs and more bumps in the road than you can count. But, if you are willing to change, why shouldn’t you be given that chance?

I was very fortunate growing up, I was presented with so many opportunities that led me to where I am. Sometimes I have to wonder where would I be if I didn’t have those opportunities. Wouldn’t I still deserve the chance to succeed? I think a lot of us take this for granted and it makes it difficult to see it from another perspective. Because it went a certain way for me, it should be the same for you and if it’s not then you don’t have any business here. That’s really not the case. Our past shouldn’t dictate our future. What we are doing right now is what counts.

I am not saying everyone should agree with me, we all make different decisions. I’m saying to support me and be happy for me. We are all going down different paths in life, there is not right or wrong answer. At the end of the day, guess what.. I’M HAPPY! Stop ruining it for me just because it’s not what you think should happen. Don’t treat me differently because you don’t agree how I live my life. There are a lot of things I’d like you to be doing, but I recognize that it’s your life and you have to do what is best for you. I ask the same courtesy.

Like I said, I’m ready to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start. Somewhere that I can focus on me and what I want, not what other people think I want.

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