Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

31May12

I think I might be losing my mind.. Doubting, paranoid, second-guessing myself… I don’t know what’s up but I think I might be going crazy. Which doesn’t make sense, everything is going really great right now. Maybe I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The past two years have been filled with so much shit that I can’t help but think of what’s going to happen next. Things can’t go well for too long, something has to mess it up. Maybe I’m self-sabotaging. Preparing myself for the inevitable doom.

No one tells you that growing up is this hard. That even though it seems like roses and butterflies, there’s more heartbreak than happiness. No one cares that you can’t catch a break because no one can catch a break. Just when you think you are gaining your footing, something pushes you back down again. It’s defeating.

Maybe it’s because I’m impatient (really impatient..) but I can’t see how people become successful. I don’t see how I will be anything more than what I am right now, no matter how hard I try. I am currently living day to day just hoping to survive, how do people build a life and a future?! I am envious of people who have it made. Who somehow fell into the right line of work and are making bank at my age. I’m sure they worked their asses off, but so have I, just not reaping the same benefits. And it really burns me up at those who are successful without putting in the time and sweat, they just lucked out. I want to be one of those people who loves what they do and can support themselves on it. I don’t want to be a millionaire, but I’d like to get to a point where I am comfortable and don’t have to constantly worry about money. How long does that take?!

It’s a catch-22, I am young and clearly want to have all the adventures I can possibly have before settling down. But I can’t fund those adventures, and probably will never be able to until I am older and can settle down. By then, you have more responsibilities and will most likely not be able to do it.

Facebook is an evil tool. It allows me to see way too much about people. Yes, I know, I could not look but I do. And I know the jealousy is self-inflicted and I should just be happy with what I have and I am. I truly am. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering why someone else and not me. What have I done differently?

Is this what happens in your mid-20s? You start feeling like the place you are supposed to be isn’t going to happen? Remember when you were younger and imagined where you would be at 25 or 30 or 45? I always thought I’d be married with kids and a big house by now. What a joke that was haha. Now, I could never imagine being settled down at my age. Granted, people do it and I am very happy for them, but that is not where my life is. But where is my life going? Am I going to be looking back 20 years from now and disappointed that I don’t have all the things I thought I would?

I feel weird. I know what I want to do and where I want to be, but have no idea how to get there. And even if I did, most of it is out of my hands. I’m a control freak, this does not work for me. I like to plan and know and anticipate. The unknown is terrifying me. How one minute decision can change the course of everything. When does it all get easier?

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One Response to “Waiting for the Shoe to Drop”

  1. 1 Matteo

    Nothing is easy, nothing is hard. It’s your point of view the balance.
    The unknown is nothing….face it!
    If you like, i write in a motivational blog/social project
    http://thewinnerisyourinner.com/
    Check it out…
    An hug


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