New Perspective

14Aug12

I’m trying REALLY hard not to let stupid things bother me.

I’m trying REALLY hard not to let things feel personal.

I’m trying REALLY hard to stop worrying about what others think of me.

I’m trying REALLY hard to live my life for me.

I’m struggling a little bit with the people in my life. Especially with my friends from high school. It just seems like I’m going in a different direction than they are, and for some reason that doesn’t seem to be okay. We are at a point in our lives where everyone is doing their own thing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But my decisions aren’t wholeheartedly accepted and it’s starting to feel like I’m the outsider of the group. And I’m not sure if it’s me internalizing everything or if it’s really there, but last time I got this hunch I was right. They are a group that does not like confrontation, and chooses to talk about you instead of talking to you. I’m a little tired of the games. I’m tired of the assumptions being made about me without the facts. I’m tired of feeling like no matter what I say it’s not going to make a difference. I’m tired of feeling like I need to live my life how they dictate. I”m tired of feeling like I have to be supportive but the courtesy is not returned. And we will just continue along like nothing is wrong and I’m just supposed to be okay with the judgments about my life. MY life. They claim it’s because they care and they don’t want me settling and blah blah blah. Which is all well and good if it didn’t feel like straight up judging. No matter what I say or do it’s not going to change their mind because their mind has already been made. It’s different and that is clearly not okay. And I feel something pulling me away from that. But it angers me that everyone gets closer. It makes me second guess myself. But then I have to remember they are a difficult snobby group to begin with. And they are the only ones who still share this “concern.” Because when one has a thought everyone has to have the same thought.

It’s not as much as what they have said, it’s more in how they act. They have said their peace, but there is still this lingering something that I just can’t put my finger on. That they are acting like they care, but the genuineness is gone. I’m treated differently, the situation is treated differently. Like I’m being tolerated instead of accepted. What gets me is they think they are being sneaky and it’s so apparent. And I let it get to me when I really shouldn’t. There are more than enough people who care about me unconditionally that it shouldn’t matter. But it does, because these are the people who I have been friends with the longest. They do still matter. And they can’t get it out of their heads of what “they thought I would be.” NEWSFLASH:  things change. I really thought they would be in different places too, but everyone is on a different path, you flow with it.

I don’t know if it’s me or them or a combination of both, but I’m ready to separate myself a little bit from them and the games. It’s very interesting being the one on the outside now, it gives me a different perspective on everything.

This all sounds very childish and stupid, why is it still childish and stupid?

 

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