The Aftermath


“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.” – Neil Strauss

This break up stuff sucks. I experience every emotion within 5 minutes and I’m exhausted. I was doing so well and today is the first time I have actually felt alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been able to distract myself with other things and not focus on what’s going on.

A lot has happened. J and I are still living together, my frustration with him still living here is mounting. We both cannot move on because we still share space. I have just been out of the house, I don’t want to deal with it. It made it easier for me not to be here. He is looking for a place and it is taking forever, I don’t know how much longer I can deal. Tonight is the first time he will stay the night out of the house and only because I pretty much pushed him out. Now that he is gone, I feel alone and sad. I can appreciate how lonely he felt with me always leaving the house.

I am single. Everything I do is on my own. At first, it was exciting and invigorating. I felt alive and ambitious and I wanted to change everything in my world. I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to do everything with. I know I need to learn to be happy with myself, and I am, but I do want that again. All my friends are settling down and my world just blew up. I go from being okay to panicking that I will be alone forever. I am not a “let it slide off my back” person. Rejection stings more than it should and I overanalyze everything.

My therapist has been very helpful. She puts things in a perspective that I never saw and it is so nice having a third party listen to my side.

I went on a date, it felt really nice to go out again. I forget that guys like to play games, that part is hard to swallow.

It’s hard when I see J moving on too and it almost becomes like a competition. I know it’s stupid and it’s not a competition, but he is moving on so quickly and I feel like I need to do the same. He is the type that needs to be taken care of, so he will seek that out quickly. I have to remember that, this is his grieving process. Once he moves out, I will care less. It is so hard being in the shared space. I try really hard to be discreet about what I’m doing, he doesn’t seem to have the same courtesy. He doesn’t think about the things he does and they end up making me really angry and we fight. We shouldn’t, and I know I shouldn’t care about what he’s doing but when I am woken up at 4am because he is skyping in the living room with some girl it becomes my problem.

Ugh, I know this is all supposed to get easier but for now it really really really sucks.


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