Closing a Chapter to Begin Another

04Sep14

It’s been awhile since I wrote and a lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same.

J is still the same – no motivation, dragging his feet and making my life more frustrating. He has had 3 months to move his stuff out and he left it for the last 2 days and now all I get are excuses as to why he can’t do the things he has been promising for months. I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s what he does. It makes my heart hurt that he can still disappoint me so much. Though it didn’t get better in the 3.5 years we were together so why should it be any different now that we are broken up. But for someone who claimed to love me and still claims to be in love with me, I don’t understand. You don’t treat them like that. You don’t hurt the people you love. Once again, my therapist sets me straight. He’s so immature he is not capable of doing all the things I ask of him. Or really anything that is remotely adult. It’s not an excuse, but a rationale that is supposed to help me move past it. I wish I still had some sort of sympathy for him, I really do. But it’s the same MO every time and he doesn’t see why it’s a problem. He made online dating and doing the fun stuff a priority and just expected me to take care of the rest like I always do. He’s in for a rude awakening when he finds his stuff in the dumpster because he didn’t clear it out.

I am moving Saturday and I could not be more anxious to close this chapter of my life. It has done nothing but drag me down over the past few months and it’s time to be over. I’m excited for what is on the horizon. I will be temporarily living with my parents until I move into a house with some friends in October. It’s a fresh start, it’s a semi-clean break, it’s away from J and the mess.

I am a different person than I was in May. My outlook on life has changed. I didn’t realize how miserable I was in my relationship until I was out of it. My best friend in the world came up last weekend and it was a completely different vibe than it had been in the past. J was not a part of the life I could share with her and it was like something was lifted. I know – I should be able to share everything with her, but this was a point of contention in our relationship and it was best not to be brought up. Our friendship had changed and it was nice to have it back.

I have my dreams back. Cheesy I know. I have really been trying to focus on me and what I want. And you know what? It feels really good. It feels really good to not have to worry about anyone else but myself. To not have to fix anything. I can do whatever I feel like. I have really loved living by myself, that is the one part I am really going to miss.

I have been trying to balance the dating and single life. I jumped in so quickly with J that I am terrified of repeating the experience. And I feel like I need to be doing the single thing – whatever that means. I honestly have no idea what that means or what sort of timeline I should be on. I don’t really feel like I have been single because J has made things so messy and I cannot completely cut him out. At the same time, I think emotionally I cut out of the relationship a long time before it actually ended. Which I think has helped me get over everything. I need to work on trusting myself more.

The future has so much more promise and I cannot wait to see what’s in store.

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